Chaos

My weight loss continues. I went to the gym on Tuesday and had my first weight-lifting day in a long time. I was so sore, though, that I didn’t go back on Thursday, and wanted to take an extra day Friday.

I plan to go back today (Saturday), and am okay with this, as the worst thing I can do now is injure myself.

The past week has been absolutely chaotic. I started leaning fairly heavily into an emerging eating disorder. A somatization had developed: when I would eat, I would feel violently sick a couple bites in. My food logs are a mess of tea-and-nothing, and my weight loss is probably unhealthy. The weight kept coming off, though, which gave positive reinforcement. A truly vicious circle, this. It looks now like I’m able to eat again, so this is good.

I’m losing at a rate of ~ 2 pounds per week, which is excellent, but I’ll need to be careful about eating enough food. I spent much of today sleeping, as this is something I’ve not been doing much of lately.

I’m eating. I’m sleeping. I think things are starting to improve against the backdrop of utter chaos.

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Mind Drives Meat

I feel decidedly wretched over the breakup. This has driven sleep and eating and, I suspect, the more recent phenomenon of feeling violenly sick after a bite or two of food. 

These are very bad signs, and proof that the mind shapes the body. 

Slug In Bed

I have been sleeping terribly recently. Worse than usual. I wasn’t able to sleep without my girlfriend, and it appears that this fact remains, yet now with no end in sight.

It now nears 11am on a Thursday and I remain in bed, hoping that I’ll get more than a few hours’ sleep, but dreading that at some point I’ll have to give up and then face the day exhausted and mentally spent.

I have very good friends, but they are concentrated in two regions of the country, neither one of those here.

Before my 4.5-year-log relationship, I was in a ten-year-long marriage and relationship. I’ve never been good at dating or even making new friends. Research tells me that even having one “gym buddy” would be really useful and good, but I have nowhere to go to meet people, and have no idea what I can offer someone to want to be my friend.

At this point, I am left hoping for things to quickly resolve, but have no pathway there. I would hope to make at least an acquaintance or two, but no luck there. It all looks particularly bleak and totally beyond the realm of being assisted by fish oil.

Things are grim, and I see no way through. Little five-minute sessions that should be simple are monstrously difficult and leave me gasping. I am shocked and ashamed at how easily I tire and how little work I can actually accomplish. Things are bleak.

The Slug is Crushed

Today, my girlfriend–ex-girlfriend, I suppose–came by to pick up her things. I had held out hope that, as long as she had things here, she was entertaining perhaps coming back and giving herself a possible way out, but these hopes are dashed. I thought the longer that she left her things here, the more she would consider coming back, but this comes after her moving out Saturday, so she’s done here.

She took the slow-cooker pot (a really nice one) and, as most of the cookware was hers, that as well.

It is demoralizing to think that our relationship of 4.5 years may not weather this storm and that she has decided to move on after such a short time. My plans for today include sleeping as much as possible and drinking water. I just don’t feel up to working out. Or eating. Or being conscious.

I could forgive her still, and we could move on together still, but it looks like she’ll be moving down this road for at least a six-month span. Every month that passes is another month I will have to reflect on what happened, and to reflect on the fact that this behavior would eat away at our future life together, as I’d never know if she would do this again. I don’t want to dislike her, and I don’t dislike her, but I am thoroughly disappointed in her. She put her own desires ahead of our relationship and ahead of the fact that she knew I would be immeasurably hurt, and proceeded. And then told me she would proceed that way again and again and again as she liked, because it felt good.

I feel crushed.

Probably no work-out today. There are lots of hours left, but I just don’t see it happening.